Okay this is going to be slightly different from my usual content, but sometimes you do just need to get certain shit off your chest. So it’s rant time!
You know when you’re just feeling, not exactly shitty, but just “meh” for no reason? I mean, I do have reasons. But the things bothering me today are the same things that bother me nearly every other day, so it just seems a bit pathetic. However for whatever reason, each issue seems to have intensified in my brain by ten. I just kind of feel like I have so many ambitions, so many things I want to have achieve for myself, both professionally and personally, that I’m just about ready to explode. I’m not where I want to be financially or in my career or finished my book. I haven’t felt good about the way I look in a couple of months, but yet I haven’t lost the weight I want to lose. We’re literally only talking a little bit of weight on my stomach I’m trying to get rid of, but ladies I’m sure you feel me. If you don’t look the way you want to, even just slightly, it does fuck with your self-esteem. I need money for a new wardrobe for work, but I don’t have the money and couldn’t even tell you when I would have it. I haven’t even gotten my driving license yet (although now I’ve booked my test, I’m hoping that is only round the corner).
After I get my license and a car, not to mention insurance, then I can focus on saving up to move out. I was originally going to take my mother’s advice and just stay at home until I have enough to buy my own place, rather than waste money over the years renting. But I had forgotten about how much living with my parents, as much as I love them, drives me crazy. After my mother and I had the argument (see Old School Nigerians vs. Westernised Nigerians post), I decided that I was just not in the stage where I could put up with all of it 24/7. I love my family very much, but I feel like us being around each other all the time does nothing but outline our differences and our issues. It’s also just the little things, such as not being able to come home after a long day and blast out some music. Honestly, it sounds like such a minor sacrifice. But for those of you who live alone or in a much more chilled household, I don’t need to tell you how much better it makes you feel after a stressful today, to turn your favourite tune on full blast and pour yourself a large glass of prosecco. Or whatever might be your favourite tipple.
Anyway, as I’m sure you can tell, I have a lot on my mind. I really wish there was a manual on growing up. Of course the majority of lessons need to be learnt through your own journey and experiences. But still, it would have been nice to have a “Life For Dummies” book to have as a back-up. Am I alone in this by the way? Do any of you ever feel like you just want to do so much, buy so many things etc., that you just get so overwhelmed and essentially end up mentally saying, “fuck it” and just not doing anything? Well, maybe I’m being a little hard on myself. I’m definitely persevering with my goal to get my license this year, regardless of how many times I’ve been knocked down. I’m still eagerly pursuing a career in Entertainment PR, being sure to exhaust any possible opportunities where I can get my foot in the door, even if it has to be a receptionist position at a PR agency to start with. Ideally I would like to move out to my company’s Communications Team and keep it in the family, so fingers something opens up soon. So yeah, I am definitely pursuing some things.
But all that just doesn’t feel like enough. I see so many people making moves these days, and it just makes me think I’m really not doing as much as I should be. I have so many great ideas that I could take really far, but I feel like I’m dedicating all my time to my job and leisure. Of course when you have a full time job, spending more than half your time at work is hardly avoidable. However whenever I do have time off, I tend to just relax and do nothing and then feel like a terrible lazy slob when I go back to work and realise I’ve done nothing with my days off. It is difficult though; because when you’re on the go all the time, temptation to do absolutely fuck all is just too real. I would say I currently dedicate about 40% of my free time to writing. Not too terrible, seeing as I would say it was about 20-30% not long ago. However this still does not work. It definitely needs to be pulled up to a good 80-90% at least. I blame television. This is what I get for starting to watch Love Island. I shudder to think what will happen when I finally start watching Atlanta and The Chi.
I’d like to thank you all, and of course WordPress, for being my therapist for today. I very much appreciate it. With all this craziness going on lately, not to mention living in the era of social media where you see all these Instagram stars living their best life whilst you’re scanning Tesco daily for lunches that average no more of about £2 a day, it can be very easy to get down in the dumps and a little depressed. But I urge you all to find an outlet where you can escape, let all the bullshit out and then carry on.