When Did It All Get So Complicated?

The human mind is a funny thing, isn’t it? It can play all sorts of tricks on you, such as making you focus on something that feels important at the time, when what you’ve really been doing is subconsciously trying to drive the issue which is really bothering you out of your mind?

A very similar phenomenon has been occurring with me lately. I’d managed to convince myself that I was actually a missing a guy I’d been seeing not long ago, who I wouldn’t quite say turned out to be a dickhead, but let’s just say he wasn’t for me. We went on a few dates and during nearly every single one he had made a big deal about the tiniest thing in the most unnecessary manner. Like most people these days, I feel like I am at work pretty much 24/7. So I don’t much enjoy spending my free time with someone who can easily cause an argument for essentially no reason. This is exactly what had happened when I last saw him; he pissed me off unnecessarily for a small issue, so this resulted in an argument, we haven’t spoken since then.

Now before it had come to this point, I really did feel a genuine connection with this man. One which I don’t usually get with guys if I’m being completely honest. Because of this, I’d actually managed to fool myself into thinking that it might be worth contacting him and seeing if he wanted to reconnect. Can you believe that? This is not somebody that I could honestly say I had spent nearly every day thinking about, yet here I was contemplating reaching out to him, despite the fact that he hadn’t contacted me since our argument either, when I had done absolutely nothing wrong. What for? I mean, yeah we had definitely had fun. But I couldn’t tell you one thing about him that I honestly missed. Apart from his car maybe. He drove a white BMW, just saying. I was actually fooling myself into thinking that this was someone I should allow to distract me. Even as I write that, it just seems so laughable. There is only one person I should be completely focused on at this point, and that is me.

But this was the problem. I’d done the same thing with the guy I wrote about previously, Damien. Although now I think I’ll just refer to him as Full of Shit, seeing as that is exactly what he is. I’m not even going to get into that though; the less said about him the better. I was really upset when Full of Shit seemed to have done a complete U-turn pretty much just after he’d confessed his so called “feelings for me”. But then it occurred to me: if I was being real, I didn’t honestly care too much about either of these boys. They were both time wasters, and I knew I could have gotten another of them in a minute (all hail Queen Bey). The thing that was really bothering me was me. Me and the career that I was planning on pursuing. The problem was that I didn’t really know which career that was anymore.

I’ve already decided that I definitely want to pursue a career that would involve writing. This has always been my greatest passion and the one thing I was the best at. Even at work when we write emails, a few of the girls would occasionally ask me for advice on how to word certain things when they were trying to get their point across. But at the moment, I’m kind of trying to weigh up whether I’d like to go into Entertainment PR or if I’d be better suited to working as a journalist for a magazine. I think I’d be good at both jobs really, but PR would be completely new territory for me, whereas I have a lot more confidence in the idea of journalism, depending on which kind I suppose. You see, this is where I’m torn. On one hand, Entertainment PR can be a really lucrative and exciting career, one in which you can make good money from in the future. However, I have absolutely no experience in this field, so getting into it from the start would be quite difficult. Not to mention, and I think this is my biggest worry, when I do eventually get something and start working, it might be completely different from what I expected and I may not like it. Remember, this is something I have never done before. So what if I find it isn’t for me, and then I’ve wasted a year and I’m back to square one? I know I am only 24 years old, but I’d still rather not waste any time if it is avoidable. Life is short after all.

On the other hand, writing for a magazine is definitely something else I think I’d enjoy. I’d love to have my own column in a magazine, or write a blog that’s featured in one. I definitely fancy myself as a black Carrie Bradshaw. Except I am also English, and have a much less fabulous wardrobe unfortunately. I will get to that level soon though, fingers crossed. Anyway, I’d totally love to do that and then eventually start my own magazine. It occurred to me just recently that there aren’t many magazines that are specifically for black women. I think I only know of Essence magazine really, and while their audience is definitely black women, it really is only aimed at African American women. This is fair enough; it is an American publication. However mine would be more centred around black women from the UK. We have plenty of issues and stories of our own, particularly as our generation is getting more and more westernised. The only bug on this windshield for me is that every journalist needs to specialise in a particular field…and I just don’t know what mine would be. I’m passionate about films, TV, books and music. So I guess entertainment journalism would be the obvious choice. Things such as television and film criticism, or celebrity coverage. I know I could write about all three of those subjects. I mean, I tend to dip and out of celebrity gossip when it suits me, but I could definitely dive all the way in when it comes to writing about it. I have plenty to say about a Carter or a Kardashian, I can tell you that.

But where to begin? I literally do not know how I would get into it. I suppose I could sort of use my blog as a platform for now and go from there; it’s certainly worked for a lot of bloggers in the US. But I’m not exactly a huge socialite with millions of followers. It’s going to take a while for my voice to be heard, and then what do I do in the meantime? I am currently looking into internships in PR to get started, but should I be doing the same thing with journalism as well? Should I be contacting magazine publications simultaneously, or is it literally all about the Internet these days? Should I go back to university and get a degree first? Would that make the path much easier and clearer? I have SO many questions, and I STILL do not know what decision to make! When I was eighteen, it just all seemed so much simpler. I never really thought I’d be in this position where I don’t know what I want to do, and the answer to every question regarding my career would be “I don’t know”. I like my job, but it is just a job to me. Even my manager knows this. I wouldn’t exactly say I’m in a shitty place for 24, but I just want to be on the right path. I want to be on the path to my dream career, even if it is only the beginning of the journey. Of course writing books, and maybe screenplays as well, is my #1 goal. However as confident I am in my abilities, anything creative is never guaranteed to bring you success. So as much as I say that I should just stick with what I’m doing and throw myself into writing, it just makes sense to have a back-up plan.

I’ve been feeling this conflicted for some time, and just before I started writing this post, my brain had been in complete overdrive and it really overwhelmed me. I actually had a good cry about it, which was such a shock to the system. I mean, I thought I’d been upset about a boy who wasn’t worth my time at all. But after I’d spoken to my friend and got to the root of the problem, I’d started bawling. I don’t think I’ve cried about a boy since I was a teenager, from what I remember. I used to be concerned about the stupidest things when I was younger, so that’s one thing I’m glad has changed. But here I was in despair over me, myself and I and what the hell we were going to do with my life. If only I could say that was a stupid problem to have. My crybaby moment kind of made me feel a bit better. It always feels a bit better to let it out. But I’m still not any more sure about the decision I have to make.

My friend’s advice was to just keep writing and keep it moving for now, and what I wanted to do would become clear in time. To be honest, I think she is right. Because I’m such a planner, I really prefer to know exactly what my next move is where possible. But I guess I do have to be accepting of the fact that it’s not a bad thing to go with the flow in your mid-20’s. I know one thing is for sure though: I am definitely in a phase where I cannot have anybody surrounding me who isn’t adding any positivity to my life. This doesn’t just apply to niggas, but to my friends and certain family members as well. I just cut off one of my friend a couple of days ago for that very reason. She’s the kind of girl that handles things very immaturely, and likes to create drama where there isn’t any for whatever reason. She’d done something very similar last year, and one of my friends actually told me she’d been talking about me behind my back because of it, and to be careful with her. I personally don’t give two shits what people have to say about me that they haven’t got the balls to say to my face, but don’t bitch about me to someone who will obviously tell me. It just makes you look like a bitch, and stupid as fuck to be honest. Because the matter was so petty, I didn’t even talk about with her and just forgot about it. But I was always careful with her after that. Then this same friend tried her bullshit again recently, and I just thought “you know what..nah. I don’t need this”, and that was it. This woman is almost 30 and still acting like we’re in school, but that’s her business. This certainly isn’t how I need to be rolling, and I most definitely am not interested in keeping up a friendship with someone who will try some more nonsense two months from now, and then some more bullshit on top of that in another three months. Like I said before, life is too short and I intend on making mine as enjoyable and fruitful as possible. In the meantime, anybody who doesn’t like me, the shit I do, or isn’t adding any value to my life, can kick rocks as far as I’m concerned. As the amazing Cardi B once said, “I’m quick to cut a nigga off so don’t get comfortable.” I know, I know, Beyonce in the last post, Cardi B in this post. I think I’ll quote Nicki Minaj in the next one.

If any of you gems have any suggestions about the dilemma described above, please do let me know. Believe me, any advice for me and my hopelessly scrambled brain would be very much appreciated. However in the meantime, please continue to read and share (like for real, help a bitch out) and continue to shine!

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