Men. They can be such a mindfuck, am I right? I know this sounds like the biggest cliche, but they really are on another planet at the best of times.
I’m quite a private person when it comes to things that are, you know, my business. But this blog is supposed to be bringing me out of my comfort zone, and it is called “The Diary of a Procrastinator” after all. I’m quite different from most women around my age, mainly because I am not super focused on finding a man, getting married, having children etc. At least not at this point in my life. I definitely want all those things in the future, and will most likely be thinking about it in a year or two. However at this stage, I’m more concerned about my career and how I would like to establish myself. I’ve been working for my company for over two years now, and I honestly don’t feel as if it’s going anywhere. I’ve known for a while that I want to be a writer. Hence, this blog. I’ve also been looking at a potential career that I would like to embark on, and the best way in which I could make that happen. I’ll be 25 in three months. Not exactly an old maid, I know, but I just always thought that I’d have it figured out by then. Although I know that I am lucky at the same time. Some people spend years trying to figure out exactly what they want to do. I certainly don’t want to waste any of them focusing on things that just aren’t as important right now, and a boyfriend happens to be one of them for me.
So currently my focus is myself; as Beyoncé once said, “me, myself and I. That’s all I’ve got in the end.” Damn, I love that song. There is literally no situation in life that you cannot find one Beyoncé lyric to match it appropriately. Not to mention, I really am enjoying the single life as well (yes, I am singing Single Ladies in my head right now). That being said, if I did meet a guy that I liked and wanted to be with, then I wasn’t going to say no. After all, I do go on dates and see guys casually. So if it happens, it happens. However I have met quite a few guys that insist on me not seeing anyone else. Now don’t get excited; I’m almost positive that this isn’t a case of them liking me so much that they don’t want me to see other people. This is simply a typical case of “selfish man”. A lot of them are just children that don’t like to share. It may not be a toy that they play with all the time, or even one they seem to show that much interest in. But they didn’t want anyone else to play with it either. I was once seeing a guy that turned out to have a girlfriend, and even he would ask me who else I was seeing. How laughable! Men really are not serious.
Anyway, there’s a particular gentleman that I’ve known for about a year and a half now. I met him at a rave that takes place every month in Scala, Kings Cross called Soca Frenzy. Romantic, right? Let’s call him Damien, even though that’s not his name. Anyway, it was pretty much just a casual thing for a long time. Well, it still is. I don’t even see him regularly really, but we talk all the time. There seemed to be a connection from the beginning, which gradually seemed to progress. I remember there was one night we spoke on the phone for hours, just about everything really. He’d told me more than once that he liked the fact that I was ambitious and focused on actually making something of myself, because he didn’t know many girls like that. He’d also told me that he didn’t want me seeing other guys, but you know, please see above. Damien had said quite a lot of sweet things really, and I usually take everything guys say with a pinch of salt, but he didn’t seem the type to just say things he didn’t mean. He was also a pretty blunt person, and has been unnecessarily tactless on more than one occasion. So it wouldn’t make any sense for him to bullshit on other occasions. I mean we were already, you know, doing what we were doing (come on, we’re adults here. You know exactly what we were doing). So what would be the point in lying?
So I was happy with our arrangement. I mean, could I allow myself to like him if I really wanted to? Sure I could. Were there ever times that I felt like just saying to him, “you know what, I do think about you quite a bit”? Of course there were. But there just didn’t seem to be any point. I mean, he knew I wasn’t looking for a relationship. He’d had plenty of opportunities to ask me on a real date, but he never did. I wasn’t about to put myself out there for somebody who didn’t even seem that interested. Then just over a month ago, Damien got upset because I had happened to go on a couple of dates with other guys over the last two weeks. I didn’t go out of my way to divulge this information, but he asked me where I was and I told him I was “at dinner” or “the cinema”. So when he asked me if it was a date, I said yes. I wasn’t the type to throw it in a guy’s face, (not unless I really intended on making him jealous) but I also never lied to anyone when they asked me a question. I am single. I am not doing anything wrong by going out on a few dates if I want to. However Damien did not take this well. He told me that maybe “our ship had sailed” and he’d leave me to see other guys, if that’s what I wanted to do. Overreacting much? And please bear in mind that this is a man who to this day has never asked me on a proper date. I mean, who are you? Do you really expect me to turn down other guys that actually wanted to take me out, just because you don’t want to? Don’t be ridiculous. In the words of Queen Bey, “you must not know ’bout me”.
So when Damien came out with this, I pretty much told him what I wrote above in a nutshell, but also added that if that’s how he felt, then I guess we should leave it there. I was certainly not about to fight for him and beg him to keep seeing me. He was acting like a child, and seeing as he had never really made a move, despite having numerous opportunities, he did not have a leg to stand on. I couldn’t lie and say that I wasn’t disappointed, but what could you do? These things happened. So you can imagine my surprise when less than a week later, this same man texted me and asked if I wanted to have lunch. WTF? He had texted me with an attempt to make small talk the day before, so I kind of saw some kind of move coming, but definitely not this. I expressed my confusion, reminding him that he was the one that had said our ship had sailed. So what was the U-turn about? He explained that he got upset because I seemed to be going out on a few dates and he didn’t want to share me with anyone. So essentially, he didn’t want anyone else to play with his toy so he threw them all out of the pram. What a baby. He also mentioned that he had slept with other girls but it wasn’t the same, they weren’t as good as me (obviously) and he would just think about me the whole time. He basically recited Chapter One from The Bullshit to Feed Girls playbook that most guys seemed to carry around. Man, if I were a boy, even just for a day…yes, I will be doing this the whole way through. If you’re not a Beyoncé fan (ew), you may as well stop reading now.
As I mentioned previously, Damien isn’t really the open and emotional type, so I knew that he wouldn’t be saying all these things to me if they weren’t true. I’m not sure if I buy the part about thinking about me when he was having sex with other girls. I mean, how overused was this cliche line? But overall, there definitely seemed to be some truth in what he was saying. There was just one thing though: he didn’t want a relationship either but he didn’t want me to see anyone else. Again WTF? You want to lock me down without progressing into anything serious, and for me to refuse to give the time of day to guys that might actually want to take me out? What sense does that make? We’d had this conversation so many times and I’d told him, if he wanted to go down the exclusive route, he would need to take me out to dinner, cinema, something, anywhere other than his bedroom basically. I wasn’t demanding it; after all, I don’t want to go out with anyone who doesn’t want to go out with me. But without making any effort, how could he possibly expect me to take him seriously? I know it may seem like it should be the perfect situation if we both don’t want a relationship. But I just figure, if we both like each other, why shouldn’t we see where it could go? Even if it is just casual for now. Like I said, I’m not opposed to going out on dates and if I met someone I liked, I wasn’t going to turn him away.
This was all about a month ago now. I’ve seen Damien once since then, and he’s confirmed these same things to my face. At least, I think so. I was kinda drunk at the time. But since then, he has gone so silent on me. It’s so unlike him. He would usually text me quite a lot, even way before all this. There was this huge silent period where we didn’t talk for a while last year. I think he pissed me off about something, but I don’t remember what. Then I decided to just message him and say Happy Birthday to him in December, and he told me he lost all his numbers ages ago and he’d been waiting for me to text ho,. Then after that it went back to normal. So it’s so weird that as soon as he opens up in a way it hasn’t before, he decides to just ghost on me. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve been talking. But I have been the one to text him first every time, something I am really not used to. I don’t like it either. Usually he’d text me first roughly 85% of the time. He doesn’t seem as bothered about meeting up as usual either. I don’t know if maybe it is just in my head though. I mentioned that he’d been a bit quieter than usual, and he said he’d just been busy. Maybe this was the truth. Like I said, this wasn’t like him. So perhaps he genuinely was busy. I guess we all are these days? But there is a part of me that is wondering why he even bothered saying anything at all? If he had just left it the way it was, I’d be fine right now. Not worried about anything else but doing me. I dunno, I guess I just feel that if he had no intentions of doing anything more than what we’re doing, then he should have just left it alone. I know that him telling me he likes me doesn’t necessarily mean he owes me anything. But I guess after he said it I was expecting a little bit more than…well, nothing. It’s time for him to get in formation. Because I slay. Okay I know that one didn’t even make much sense, but I just had to throw it in there!
To any ladies reading this, please feel free to advise me, but I think I’m just going to tell Damien all this the next time I see him. I’ve never seen the use in letting your mind go into overload with thoughts and not being honest with the person who it involves, and I certainly don’t plan on allowing him to waste my time. He’s still been pretty quiet, so it will probably be easier to talk about it in person. Although if I don’t get the answer I want, it may also be twice as embarrassing. But hey, these are the risks we must take sometimes. Or maybe one of you has a better idea? If so, please let me know. This is very new territory for me. I guess this is what happens when I insist on reading more and writing everyday. Apparently my mind wanders and starts considering things I didn’t even know were in my head in the first place. For now though, this rant is officially out of my system. Back to being a diva now. Oh, you don’t know what that is? A diva is a female version of a hustler 😉